final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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