I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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