billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
