You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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