I think I won the penis lottery.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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