No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
