i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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