Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Randomize
