I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
