But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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