I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
