hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
