It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
