I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
as a side note pls kill me
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