Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
