This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize