I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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