My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
