My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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