Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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