I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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