Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
