I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
