an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
