Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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