Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
