I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
