Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
