he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
