I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
