I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
