I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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