just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
