I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
