Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
