I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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