Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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