Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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