genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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