Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Less talking, more tequila
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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