question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
