she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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