not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
