I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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