everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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