I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize