So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
