The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
