I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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