i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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