you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
