Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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