Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
