some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
