And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
