He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
