With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
