and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
