mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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