i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
